Reviews Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)

Reviews Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)

Before I tee off on this piece of garbage disguised as a Star Wars movie using only cheap cinematic nostalgia magic tricks and sleight of hand, all you really need to know is that this is the “Greedo shot first”, version of Han Solo. The completely unbelievable version of a ruthless smuggler who owes the whole galaxy money and lives on the run. Nah, this is cutesy pretty boy Han, who’s weakness would be savagely taken adavantage of among the space scum in that line of work. Point being; right off the bat, the character doesn’t fit who he would need to be to believably live on the run breaking the law. 

So, now the fun part. You can always tell it’s a Disney bot/click farm when they start the review with something like “i didn’t like the last one, but….” or “don’t listen to The haters” “my opinion is worth more than anyone Bc I’m 13 years old and have never lived my life without a constant stream of dopamine release from internet likes.”. Matter of fact, it would be even worse if it wasn’t bots working to keep the average score above 7. If these people are just average humans reviewing the movie, why do they care what other people think? It’s almost as if it’s really about not only feeling part of some arbitrary greater collective, but being the most loyal media slave. They need others to like the movie so they can know what to like; Actively fighting to deny Disney doing this for any other Reason beyond hi jacking & inserting subversive but subtle mind control into the most popular fictional franchise of all time. These people are clinging to a last shred of self dishonesty Bc they don’t want their number one method of escapism taken away from them: leaving them only with the uncomfortable truth of which they’ve spent their whole lives sanding the edges down, if not running full speed away from it. All whilst being encouraged to do so subtlety underneath the surface of the 4-6 hours of tv watching daily. Throw phones into the equation and the average lemming is in front of a screen for 8-10 hours a day, happily and gullibly following the one directly in front of them off the proverbial cliff. 

When u start the review with not liking another movie, it’s makes it sound real, ya kno? Like no one can watch this movie and actually dislike it, it has to be an attitude of disdain toward Disney that does it, or being a “hater”. It’s as if Thyre not lemmings who think they have to like something To be relevant in this culture of escapism and franchises that have risen above criticism. Well I’ll take it to the opposite side, I thought both the new trilogy episodes were awful(TFA especially, watch it after the buzz of it being a new continuation to the orbital story wears off if you haven’t, and there’s zero redeeming value to it) but really enjoyed “Rogue One”. 

I was robbed of so many of my passions when Disney bought everything from Marvel comic books to Vice news(go ahead and google it, u didn’t know they Owned the propaganda for hipsters mill), with the only intention of wringing them dry of every cent, until every piece of power is stripped from the storytelling and we can’t stand to even hear the words Skywalker or superhero without becoming nauseous. When u own the full spectrum of media consumption (ESPN, abc, A&E, soon to be FOX, Pixar, marvel, Star Wars, I can keep going but I wont)it’s about something far more sinister than simply financial gains. Club 33 y’all. Shhhhhhh! Anyone find the classic hidden weird subliminal messaging designed to wear down a child’s moral compass and initiate them, unbeknownst, into an occult state of being? 

Back to the point ar hand. Steer clear of this garbage. Beyond the inconvenience of remembering the real Han thru out the flick and how terribly off The guy who plays this “I didn’t shoot first” version of solo is; he’s also an absolutely horrendous actor. The only redeeming quality of this movie is Emilia being super easy on the eyes with her beauty. Boba fett is the next character to be systematically decimated by the Disney machine. At least rent this or DL it so that Disney doesn’t get their cut of the ticket prices…..there’s an attempt at a story in here somewhere under the cheap nostalgia triggering cinematic tricks in between lowest common denominator WAY over CGI’d space chases and laser fights that trick your subconscious into believing you’re watching a Star Wars flick. This movie could’ve literally been 45 mins long but somehow got stretched to 2.5 hours. Anyone looking for an actual well told solo origin story should turn to AC Crispin’s Han Solo trilogy of novels from the late 90s, far superior; way more enjoyable and believably character driven, and Ron Howard doesn’t over milk every emotional sentence, thank God!!!